Virtually all states in the U.S. permit you pack heat (carry weapons) strapped to your hip like Wyatt Earp. That’s your constitutional right. Forty-nine of the 50 states also let you to carry concealed weapons if you have the proper state-issued permit.
With people all over the country packing heat, it was just a matter of time before fashion designers and clothing manufacturers got involved. People get tired of wearing grungy-looking baggy clothing just to conceal their weapons. The clothing industry saw that people who pack heat wanted to look spiffy. Thus, inevitably, this headline appeared in the New York Times:
“New Fashion Wrinkle: Stylishly Hiding Gun”
New York Times, Tuesday, April 24, 2012 Page 1A
According to the news story, fashion designers have developed, and manufacturers have produced, stylish street clothes that help you hide your hardware. If you’re a man, you’ll find, sewn inside specially made fashionable chino trousers, invisible but easily accessible pockets that hold anything from a Beretta Tom Cat to a Ruger LCP or a Glock 26/27. If you want to pack a bigger piece, you can buy a stylish jacket with side pockets. You thrust your hand into the pocket. It goes through a Velcroed opening and lets you grasp that Desert Eagle .45 Long Colt you have stuck in your waistband.
If you’re a woman you can pack heat fashionably too. You can carry a couple of Charter Arms Pink Lady revolvers in unobtrusive pockets sewn into specially made slacks or skirts. Trendy brocade jackets with side-slit
pockets can completely conceal a match pair of pink-trimmed Cobra derringers. Word on the street is that a quick-draw Beretta-bra will soon be on the market.
Fashion houses can make a pile of money selling clothing to prosperous people who pack heat. That fact wasn’t lost on Eloise Simplelkins.
Eloise Simpelkins grew up in Letongaloosa and worked as a cleaning lady in La Mancha , a moneyed section of town where the streets are curved and the addresses are hand painted on Spanish tile. Later Eloise made a pile of money of her own. She founded a company that services fastidious homemakers. Eloises’s company sends pre-cleaning ladies to homes where the homemakers can’t stand to let their regular cleaning ladies see the mess.
Ever the entrepreneur, Eloise figured she could tap into a “packin’ heat fashionably” niche, so she hired designers to create a line of clothing for the less than fully clad segment of the market.
First came a line of walking shorts. Then came short shorts. Both lines were designed to let the wearers pack heat undetected. Eloise next marketed swim suits in her “The Bam-Bam Swim Suit” line.” Men’s swim trunks and women’s one-piece swim wear were designed to conceal handguns. Sales for “Bam-Bam” swim wear skyrocketed after news reports about a woman who wounded two would-be attackers on a California beach. The woman had whipped out a pink trimmed Sig Saurer Misquito automatic from a hidden pocket in her zebra-striped swim suit.
Flushed with that success, Eloise decided to market a line of scantier swimming apparel.
Eloise asked Melvin Totts and Minnie Cummins, two successful swim wear designers, to create a line of men’s and women’s bikinis that would allow the wearers to pack heat undetected.
“It can’t be done.” said Totts, but Eloise got them to give the project a try by promising to import the world’s smallest handgun–a European-built revolver called the Asp. The weapon has a two-inch barrel and fires high velocity bullets that can be deadly at close range.
Melvin and Minnie came up with some fabulous-looking bikinis, but Eloise ran into a road block. The U.S. government bans the import of non-sport guns, and it refused to classify the Asp as a sports gun.
Undeterred, Eloise arranged a private fashion show for U.S. Sen. Marcus Womble and a few of his closest friends. The show’s runway featured beautiful models wearing skimpy bikinis. Afterward there was a cozy private reception for the senator, his friends, and the models. After that Eloise got permission to import the Asp. She launched her “teeny weensy,itsy bitsy heat packin’ bikini” line. The bikinis flew off store shelves so fast
Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co