Tag Archives: Lifestyle

Minnifred & Winnifred (c)

 

 

This tale requires an explanation of how Ed and Jeanie Morningside
got the millions of dollars that their daughters inherited.

Although they had been respected Letongaloosa citizens for decades,
Ed and Jeanie never had two nickels, much less a dollar, to rub together.  They needed every penny that came in to pay the rent, put food on the table, and buy clothes for the family.
Then, against 14-million-to-one odds, they won $378-million
in the national lottery.  Suddenly, accompanied by a whole lot of fanfare, Jeanie and Ed and their two daughters, Minnifred and Winnifred were rich.

***********

At 7:15 a.m. every morning Minnifred Morningside-Suggs sat at her desk grading papers and sipping tea from her favorite artesian mug. Unless she had an early morning appointment out of the office, nothing in Minnifred’s life ever changed. This Tuesday morning was different.

Instead of going to her 8 a.m. Tuesday staff meeting, Minnifred said “hi” to Hanger Duggins and his crew at Letongaloosa International Airport and then flew to Kodiak Island to visit Winnifred and to enjoy some much needed time away. That’s when things got, well, freaky.

******

It was a few weeks later and Minnifred and her husband, Reggie, were having dinner at the diner in downtown Letongaloosa. Reggie had just picked Minniefred up from the airport.  Reaching for the
bread, he said : “You act diff’rent.”

Minnifred had been regaling him with stories about a shiny Republic RC-3 Seabee seaplane she in which she had flown to her sister’s cabin; the ice fishing excursion on which she caught the biggest fish the locals had ever seen, and the polar bear swim she had completed in record time. Reggie thought the stories were interesting, but he had never seen Minnifred so animated.  She was usually quiet, reserved, and didn’t add much detail in the infrequent stories she told.

Reggie continued to stare, and Minnifred pretended she didn’t notice the “diff’rent” comment and the puzzled look on his face. She kept talking a mile a minute about her Alaskan adventures.  Still more puzzling to Reggie was Minnifred’s insistence on sleeping in the guest bedroom.

Something happened a few days later. It was the first round of judging in the Feature-Palooza Competition for Young Writers. There were more than 550 entries, and a group of teachers and business professionals had assembled in the newsroom of the Letongaloosa Register-Journal-Challenger-Sun Chronicle to read the entries, critique them, and choose a contest winner.
Garrison Storm, Letongaloosa’s lead meteorologist noticed Minnifred’s peculiar behavior. Minnifred had always been a stickler for proper grammar, diction, usage, and syntax. Folks in town tolerated her correcting them in conversations because they were awed by her knowledge of English, and because Minnie was generous with her money.  Despite her wealth she had begun teaching public school the year she graduated from college.
Garrison noticed Minnie’s grammar goof immediately but he dismissed it, thinking he must have heard wrong. But when she goofed again and seemed actually happy about it, Garrison was perplexed.
As they heard her speak, others in town were too.

Meantime, folks in Kodiak couldn’t believe their ears.  Winnifred, the winsome spinster, who had always regaled them with bright and cheery chatter, had suddenly become terse and taciturn. Worse,she had begun to correct their grammar and  made unfavorably comments on what she labeled their “syntax.”  People in Kodiak had no idea what “sin” she thought them were guilty of.

A few days later, Winnifred and Minnifred sat together in an airport coffee shop in Vancouver, British Columbia.
“What an excellent time!” said Minnifred, who was waiting for a flight home to Letongaloosa.
“A blast!” said Winnifred, who was booked on a later flight to Katchikan, Alaska.  From there she’d catch a seaplane to Kodiak.
“We must do this again soon,” said Winnifred.

“Indubitably,” said Minnifred.

-30-

Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co

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Dinner At My House

Just a random dinnertime musing from the mind of an ol’ geezer. Enjoy!!

Emmaline (my wife) watches late morning TV cooking shows while I’m in the kitchen putting the TV dinners in the microwave.

Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co

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Monkey Shines

Before he won the lottery, Lee Jones’s life was as ordinary as
his name, and J. Pennington Whitley’s life was as lustrous as his
name. The two worked at the same place: Whitley International,
Inc. Jones was a clerk in Accounts Payable, and Whitley, scion of
the venerable Whitley family, occupied a corner office in the
executive suite on the top floor of the Whitley Building.
They met once when the head of Accounts Payable, put a
sealed manila envelope in Jones’s hand and walked him over to the
executive elevator. His boss told Jones, “Hand this to Mr. Whitley
personally.” The elevator rose, the door slid noiselessly open, and
Jones saw for the first time in his life what a corporation’s executive
suite looks like. He didn’t get a chance to look around because J.
Pennington Whitley was standing at the elevator door, waiting for
the envelope. Jones placed it in his hand and went back to work.
Jones was in his mid-thirties at the time and had been with
Whitley International, Inc. since he was 16. He had started in the mail
room and had gone to night school and taken online courses until
he had a bachelor’s degree in accounting, and a master’s degree
in finance. In addition to his degrees Lee Jones had a gift for
corporate finance that was far beyond the scope of his classmates
and contemporaries in vision and spunk. While he slogged away in
Accounts Payable, Jones developed a powerful but exotic fiscal
process that, if implemented, would put Whitley International, or any
other similar corporation, far ahead of its competitors.
Jones knew that he needed a boost up the corporate monkey
tree from someone who was solidly established in the executive
suite. His meeting with J. Pennington Whitley, gave Jones the
opportunity to make his move. He decided to present his plan, in
detail, to Mr. Whitley, and arranged through friends higher up in the
Monkey tree to present his plan to Whitley in person. The result was
initially disastrous, but was ultimately it was eminently successful
Mr. Whitley, as it turned out, desperately needed a corporate
Hail Mary to save his hide. The shareholders were unhappy with the
recent performance of Whitley International, Inc., and were planning
to replace Whitley with a more dynamic and forceful leader.
Fortunately Jones presented his powerful project privately, almost
clandestinely to Whitley who realized immediately that the
corporate gods were smiling on him.
At that point Whitley did what top branch corporate monkeys
have been doing since time began. Whitley took credit for the
project and threw the smaller monkey out of the tree.
Jones, who had assumed he was destined for corporate
greatness found himself out on the street, sacked from Whitley
International, Inc. for reasons so bogus that the Human Relations
officer who fired him couldn’t even look him in the eye.
That ironically was the very day Lee Jones bought a lottery
ticket and chose a winning number worth $556 million. No one else
had chosen that number, so the whole prize was his.
Jones bought all the shaky Whitley International stock he could
lay his hands on. Whitley stock holders and investors virtually
trampled each other to sell the stock to him at the price he set. Then
he dismantled the company and sold it off in pieces. The last piece
of Whitley International, Inc. Jones sold was the Whitley Building
itself. Jones kept the top floors of the building and the executive suite
for himself. And he had several million dollars left after the last
government financial investigation was completed and the last
investor lawsuit was settled.
With that money Jones set up a foundation and gave young,
smart, unconventional entrepreneurs a leg up The Monkey Tree. The
enterprise was highly successful. In a twist that happens quite often in
real life, but rarely in fiction, one of the most successful of Jones’s
entrepreneurs was a young woman named Charlotte Whitley. She
was the daughter of J. Pennington Whitley. Ms. Whitley had moved
to the city from upstate New York where her father had settled down
on a horse farm.
-30-

Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co

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Behold!!

From TV Troupes:

 A new preacher comes to a small town on a Friday, and decides it would be a good idea to visit each member of his congregation at home to get to know them before Sunday’s service. All goes well until he comes to one house. The preacher knocks, and rings the door bell, but even though the lights are on and activity can be seen inside, no one answers the door. Exasperated, but deciding it’s best not to bother them, the preacher takes a card out of his pocket and writes “Revelation 3:20” on it, before slipping it under the door and leaving. Comes Sunday, after finishing his sermon at the local church, the preacher finds the card in his collection basket, and sees that the resident of the house has written “Genesis 3:10” on it.

Revelation 3:20Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.
Genesis 3:10I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked. 
Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co
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Why I Write What I Write ©

I have been a journalist since I was 15 years old (I was the assistant bureau chief of the Idaho Falls Bureau of the Deseret News–a Salt Lake City Newspaper that circulated in IF.  I gave myself the title. It was a two-person bureau and my boss Joe Markham, was bureau chief.  Hence, by default,  I was assistant bureau chief (rather than “the kid that helps out in the office).  My job was to write local news late at night or at 4:30 a.m. for the afternoon edition of the paper.  I would type the information into a big old noisy, grouchy  teletype machine which translated the keystrokes into holes in a narrow never-ending roll of paper tape.  Once my story was written, I would contact the D. News newsroom in Salt Lake City (by typing in a code on the teletype).  What ever editor was doing “state news” on that shift would receive the story, acknowledge it, and more often than not, give me some advice about writing news stories.  AND (I’m finally getting to the point) MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THE ADVICE WAS “WRITE SHORTER LEDES  (LEAD PARAGRAPHS).”  It became a habit for me to write the shortest first graph I could.  This practice was re-enforced when I was a correspondent for United Press International in Buenos Aires.  If there were a breaking story that merited doing so, we sent news by cable (telegram).  Cable rates were 35 cents a word.  So we learned to write short, pithy ledes.  We also learned that prefixes and suffixes were counted as one word.  So we’d write such weird neologisms as  “Uncan (“can’t ” counted as two words) youward (“send you” is two words) details xxx until 0200 GMT. -30-” (Thirty was the age old news writer’s word for  “the end”.  That came from the time back in the days of handset type when the printer would use a 30-dash to separate one column of  information to another.  We had to write out the punctuation as words.  But “period” was “stop.”  If you aren’t thoroughly confused, please write back and I’ll unclarify it some more.

Anyway  that’s why, I write short ledes and generally short fiction pieces.

Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co

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Andrew Klees & the Gadget

After all these years, the Mob came back for the limo.  It gave my friend Andrew Klees another real scare.

Some time ago, Andy got himself in trouble with the Mob after he saved a fine old stretch limousine from salvage.  The limo had been damaged in a collision. A wrecker brought it to the auto shop where Andy worked, and Andy fell in love with the limo at first sight.

His boss said it would take too much time to repair the limo, but Andy intervened.  He is one of the best body and fender men in town. Andy knew he could restore the limo, so he paid the salvage fee and told the driver to tow it out to his place.

After Andy had repaired the limo, a couple of Mob enforcers showed up. They were looking for a “gadget” hidden in the limo’s passenger compartment. They wanted to take Andy for a “ride,” but they couldn’t start the limo. They ordered Andy to start it and  drive out to the country while they searched the passenger compartment.

After a few blocks Andy looked back. Both men were out cold.

“I put them to sleep,” said a melodious female voice that came from somewhere inside the dashboard.  “They are bad men. Take them to the police station.”   The police arrested the mobsters.

Andy drove his shiny stretch limousine all around the countryside. In the summer time, folks heard Andy and a woman’s voice singing as the limo rolled by but they never saw the woman.

Then the Mob showed up again.  This time it was a slick lawyer.  He drove up in a town car. The Mob lawyer introduced himself, and showed Andy a sheaf of documents. He said papers proved that the limo belonged to his clients, and that  Andy’s purchase was invalid.

The lawyer said his clients were willing to pay Andy a ‘finder’s fee’ in exchange for the limo, and produced a document that said Andy relinquished all claims.

“Just sign here,” said the Mob lawyer.

Andy didn’t know what to do, so he stalled for time.

“Let me sit in the limo for a minute,” he said.

“Give me the keys first ” said the lawyer.

Andy handed over the keys, then got into the driver’s seat and shut the door.

“What shall I do?”  He had never spoken to the limo first.  She had always spoken first.

“The Mob wants a gadget that’s hidden in the passenger compartment,” said the melodious voice from the dashboard.  “It’s a thumb drive that contains records of deals the old Mob boss made with crooked politicians.  Years ago his rivals sent the goons to get the gadget, but when they failed, the Mob boss let you keep the limo.  Now he died.  His Ivy League nephews took over and want the gadget, but they sent a lawyer after it instead of goons.”

The lawyer tapped on the window.  “Let’s go,” he said.  “Get out here and sign the papers.”

“What do I do now?” asked Andy.

“You let your lawyer handle it,” said the limo.

“I don’t have a lawyer,” said Andy.

“Of course you do,” said the limo.

Just then a car drove up.  A young woman with a briefcase got out.

“I’m Megan Street,” she said to the Mob lawyer.  “I represent Mr. Klees.  I assume you have your clients’ power of attorney.”

“I do,” said the Mob lawyer.

“Kindly step into the limo, Mr. Klees,” said the young woman.

Andy opened the door and climbed into the passenger compartment.  He saw black thumb drive on the back seat and picked it up. Andy climbed out of the limo and handed the thumb drive to the Mob lawyer.

The young woman laid the quit claim document on the hood of the limo. The Mob lawyer signed it, got into his town car, and drove away without a another

word.

“How can I ever thank you,” said Andy.

“You can take me to lunch,” said Megan.

 

Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co

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Sent From My…©

 

When you receive a message with a pretentious post-script  telling you that the sender was e-mailing you from a super-duper cell phone, you can reply with your own super-duper post script:

1.Sent from my 1943 Jack Armstrong Radio Show secret decoder ring.

2.Sent from my electrified chain link fence.

3.Sent from my Dog’s supper dish.

4.Sent from the drain spout on my Aunt Clara’s kitchen sink.

5.Sent from a cell phone I found in a dumpster behind Kelly’s Pizza Parlor.

6.Sent from my wife’s hair dryer. (from my girlfriend’s, from my boyfriend’s, from my grandpa’s hair dryer.)

 

Dr. Larry day is a retired J-School professor turned humor writer. His book, Day Dreaming: Tales From the Fourth Dementia is available for purchase via his website: http://www.daydreaming.co

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