The Loser Bowl

Ribby Von Simeon was miffed back in 2011 when the Letongaloosa Community Junior College football team went 0 and 10 for the sixth straight season. To soften the pain he decided to do a spoof about the nation’s obsession with postseason bowl games. He created and financed the Loser Bowl.
People don’t realize how wealthy Ribby Von Simeon is. Most people think of him as a professor who teaches horticultural dynotonics at Letongaloosa Community Junior College.
But Ruthless Ignacio Balderdash San Bernadino Cortez Ruiz Von Simeon—known to everyone, for obvious reasons, as Ribby–is very wealthy. He is the only son of the late Balderdash Von Simeon, founder of the Von Simeon newspaper, broadcasting and movie empire and the grandson of Ruthless Von Simeon, the notorious 19th century mining tycoon.
Ribby was already in his forties when he came into his inheritance—a huge trust fund. By that time he was living simply but comfortably as an adjunct professor at LCJC.
Ribby had already invested in one extravagant venture. He had purchased a decommissioned ocean liner that had figured in a treasured memory of his childhood and transported the vessel piece by piece to Kansas. Then he had the ship put back together, refurbished, and moored it on top of a hill outside Letongaloosa, where it sits today.
The Loser Bowl endeavor began with a team selection process. Ribby hired experts to look for the two worst college football teams in the country. They turned out to have identical records: zero wins and 10 losses in each of the past 12 football seasons. Neither team had won a game in this century. The teams were the Bengal Bearcats from Throckmorton University in Mijita, Texas, and the Trojan Lancers from Carmichael University in River Bend, Pennsylvania.
Early in 2012, Ribby’s Loser Bowl executives contacted administrators at the two universities. They were adamantly opposed to having their schools participate in the Loser Bowl. Getting a “yes” involved generous contributions to the universities’ sports programs, building funds, curriculum, faculty, student government, and the alumni association..
. After that, the universities got enthusiastic.
The game was to be played in the LCJC’s stadium and seats were reserved for each school. The other seats were to be sold on a first-come-first-serve basis.
Ribby hoped for a sell out crowd, but he certainly didn’t anticipate what happened next. The jet set on the East and West coasts became aware of the game and suddenly the Loser Bowl was the “in” place to be.
Ribby had set up a separate Loser Bowl office and had hired a staff.
. Well before the tickets went on sale, big shots from all over the country began calling and demanding tickets. Ribby’s staff was polite but firm in telling them “no.” The staff put the most difficult calls through to Ribby. Here is a typical exchange:
“This is Burgman Overmeyer,”
“Yes, sir, how can I help you?”
“My executive assistant tells me your staff won’t sell her 15 tickets to that Loser Bowl thing.”
“That’s right sir, the game is sold out.”
“I said I’m Burgman Overmeyer.”
“Congratulations, sir.”
“Listen here. You sell me 15 tickets to that blasted game or I’ll have your job.”
“Just a moment sir,” Sippy conferred with his assistant, then came back on the line.
“Mr. Overmeyer, you’re CEO of Blakeland Chemicals,” correct?
“That’s right, so what.”
“I own your company, sir.”
“Who IS this?”
“It’s Ruthless Balderdash Von Simeon, sir.”
There was a long pause, then: “Mr. Von Simeon, I apologize. I had no idea…” Click.
The Loser Bowl game turned out to be a doozy.
The Bengal Bear Cats won the toss, elected to receive, and scored. The extra point attempt failed.
The Trojan Lancers ran the kick off back for a touchdown. The extra point attempt failed. And so it went, score for score. When time ran out in the fourth quarter the score was 86-86. The game went into overtime. After two overtimes, the score was 98-98. In the sudden death overtime, neither team could score. LCJC stadium doesn’t have lights, so the game was called on account of darkness.
The Bengal Bear Cats ended their season 0-10-1.
The Trojan Lancers ended their season 0-10-1.
Sippy, ended the season happy..

Larry Day is the author of Day Dreaming: Tales from the Fourth Dementia(ISBN 978-1-100-18422-2 ) available for Kindle on Hard copies are available for purchase on Retailers e-mail Larry:

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